Celebrities, Secretaries and Fish.

September 19th, 2010 in .Greg Lewis Summer Blog

Blog 4

How do they do it? David Mitchell and Jeremy Clarkson bang out a full page column each week. For heaven’s sake even our local Premiership manager manages a full page in one of the Sunday broadsheets! It is not as though they have nothing else to do: which makes my infrequent blogs even more unforgivable. I know I should spend the week being funny/droll on television, driving fast cars and saying “global warming – pah!” every 30 seconds or even watching the Premiership whilst wearing a tangerine tie, but really how do they manage their time? And indeed produce such a polished product. Well in the latter case at least at Wigan and Newcastle.

Being funnyish.

Not a fast car but globally cooler.

Not a tangerine tie.

I blame it on ZZ; well at least it’s brain, or should I say processor. Not that there is anything slow about it. The Intel Atom is fast. Too fast. Whilst my Luddite brain works on one thing at a time, ZZ’s multi-tasks (maybe a clue to the non-PC’s gender) and that distracts me. One minute I’ve got the word processor loaded ready to blog and whoosh here is an update for Windows 7, then a Firefox application request, then an ASUS communication etc etc. God help me, whilst the Pope is visiting, if I have my e-mail client running in the background. Then every few seconds someone I know or, far more likely, a firm that has my e-mail address contacts me. Well you have to see what they want don’t you? Also it is rude not to reply. You wouldn’t ignore someone who came to the door would you, standing there paying no attention and not uttering a word? Come to think of it I have, but only to double glazing salesmen and religious groups suggesting global warming is an Act Of God. Guess I would probably ignore Jeremy and the Pope in that case.

Back to the blog. Since I started this, Harvey Nicholls (is it a real person?) has offered me a cut price meal deal at his (?) brassiere. Delete! Windows 7 suggested I update the display. Tempting! So I think why not it won’t take long. Choosing the desktop, as a geographer, was a cinch: landscapes. ZZ’s high definition screen now has a set of stunning photographs of iconic vistas from around the world. Trouble is they scroll and you watch the whole sequence before doing anything other than tidy up your desktop (fun with the touchy feely screen though). After 5 minutes I resist the temptation to look for other set of HD photos and look to set the screensaver. This won’t take long; either a non-subliminal Microsoft logo animation or something else without the four colours. I decide on something else. I was proud of myself in choosing the Lagoon screensaver within a minute, but wait there are options! How many fish does ZZ want to save his screen? This is not easy. Too few and they stay behind the rocks for ages and you waste time waiting for them to come out and do their job. Too many and you can’t give them all a name. In the end I opted for 9 as it is my lucky number. Just got to name them now, better wait and finish the blog first though. Flip! Firefox has “popped-up” (I thought I had prevented them?) with an offer to get a Persona for the browser. No harm in having a look. Well, there are 30,000 of them! A number too vast for my Luddite brain to comprehend, so I did not bother. ZZ was pleased as he did not want to possess another persona. So was I; having a schizophrenic non-PC would be too much, even for its processor.

Therefore, where does that leave us? I think about how David, Jeremy and Ian must do it. I reread their columns but only get sidetracked into pondering whether David would like to see the Luddite Heritage site this month? Or does Jeremy need a bike riding replacement for The Stig? Or can Ian’s tie overcome Carlo’s tactics this weekend? Then inspiration. I know they must have a secretary to write down what they say (neo-Luddites see). But how can I afford a secretary? I only have ZZ, Manx Mouse and non-PC man. In a flash I see it all. Non-PC man might do it but he was useless at even typing. So it’s down to ZZ. It has an ear and a brain so I just need to train it as a secretary. Now how do I do that? Any suggestions welcomed?

Non-PC man fails typing test.

Well I’m off to Manchester now to visit the “Curry Mile” – sorry Harvey.
Back blogging soon – I hope! Til’ later.

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